You've Got To Be Kidding Me!
by DeanFan
Summary: Sam and Dean has a case that involves a Giant Cockroach!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own Supernatural**

**Author's Note: Takes place during season 5.**

Ooooooo

"Pack up Sammy. We've got a job," Dean said putting stuff in his bag.

"What is it?" Sam asked.

"Got a call from an old friend," Dean explained. "Says he's got some kind of creature on his farm that only comes out at night," He finished.

"Well a farm is a good place for its source of food," Sam said starting to pack his stuff.

"It's an all you can eat buffet for the damn thing. Those poor animals don't deserve to be eaten."

Sam turned and looked at him.

"What," Dean asked annoyed.

"Did you just hear yourself?"

"So I don't like innocent animals harmed by the supernatural just like humans so what?"

"Have you forgotten about all the bacon cheeseburgers that you've eaten?"

"Shut it," Dean said.

Oooooooooooooooo

Pumpkin Center, California

"Why does everyone have to stare," Dean groaned as he drove through the small town.

"Maybe they like the Impala," Sam said trying not to laugh.

"Paul owes me one after we're done here," Dean said driving twenty minutes out of town pulling up to a familiar barn noticing there weren't any animals on the farm.

"Did the creature eat them all," Sam asked looking around in shock.

"God I hope not," Dean said turning the engine off and getting out of the Impala.

"Dean, thanks for coming man," Paul said greeting the both of them.

"Did that creature already eat the animals," Sam asked.

Paul laughed. "No. I had the animals transferred to another farm until this is over."

"Smart thinking," Dean said. "So your parents left you the farm."

"Actually I run it with my wife and sister," Paul said.

"You got married," Dean said shocked.

"Don't sound too shock there Dean. It's Anna," Paul said.

"Huh. You said your sister's living here. How she doing," Dean asked.

"Stay away from my little sister Dean," Paul warned him.

"You might have to lock him in another room," Sam said with a smile.

"Laugh it up giagantore," Dean said rolling his eyes.

"Jerk," Sam said.

"Come on in. Anna's almost done cooking dinner," Paul said letting them in the house.

"What are we having," Dean asked always happy with food.

"All the mini bacon cheeseburgers you can eat," Anna said as they walked in the kitchen.

Dean looked like a little kid in a candy store.

"I was just teasing Dean. It's chicken and potatoes," Anna said laughing with Paul and Sam.

"Still evil I see," Dean said grabbing a beer from the fridge.

"Dean can't you at least ask them?" Sam said embarrassed. "It's their house."

"Lexi dinner," Anna yelled.

Dean smiled.

"You better not look at my sister," Paul said as they at down at the table.

Lexi walked in and smiled as she saw Sam.

"That cannot be Sam Winchester," Lexi said. "You've gotten so tall!"

"Nice to see you Lexi," Sam said giving her a quick hug.

Lexi's head barely came up to Sam's shoulders.

Dean cleared his throat to let her know he was there too.

"Hi Dean," Lexi said not in a happy tone as she was with Sam.

"Well nice to see you too," Dean said as she sat down.

Well Dean had to admit she wasn't a little girl anymore. Last time he saw her she was 13 and now she was 22.

"So you want to tell us what we might be hunting," Sam asked getting down to business.

Paul, Anna and Lexi looked at each other nervously.

"What? It can't be that bad," Dean said.

"Oh yes it can," Paul said. "This is why I didn't want to say it on the phone because I didn't know if you'd believe me unless you saw it yourself."

"I'm listening," Dean said.

Paul looked uncomfortable. "It's a cockroach."

Sam and Dean looked at each other not believing what they just heard.

"We're hunting a little cockroach," Dean said not believing the words that was coming out of his mouth.

"It's not little," Anna said. "It's a huge giant cockroach. We've all seen it. It almost got Lexi the other night."

"A cockroach," Sam said still not sure.

"A giant cockroach," Dean said in the same tone.

"We're not making this up," Paul said. "I wouldn't have called you unless it was serious.

"The cockroach is huge like that old black and white movie _Them_," Lexi said.

Dean rubbed his temples. "Just when I think we've seen and heard everything," He said to Sam.

"You're going to help us right," Anna asked.

Sam sighed. "Guess we're hunting a giant cockroach tonight," Sam said still not believing it.

"I'm surprised we haven't ended up in the nut farm yet," Dean said.

Ooooooo

**Author's Note: Let me know if you like it or not. I got the idea from watch one of the old black and white movies and thought it'd be a different case for Sam and Dean to work on. Reviews are always nice!**


	2. Chapter 2

After dinner Sam and Dean stocked up on supplies before they went on their Cockroach hunt.

"I wonder how big its wings are," Sam said finished packing the supplies.

"That's what you're thinking about," Dean said making a face.

"Shouldn't we maybe do some research on how to kill a giant Cockroach?"

Dean looked at him. "Your kidding right?"

"This isn't some ordinary cockroach Dean. We don't eve know what it can do besides kill that is."

"Its simple. We either shoot it or set it on fire. I'm hoping to torch the ugly thing," Dean said.

"Hey you think dad ever had any weird cases like this?"

"Probably," Dean said. "Let's go get this sucker on a leash and kill it," He said.

Sam and Dean went downstairs where Paul and Lexi waited.

"Where's Anna," Dean asked.

"She's upstairs," Paul said handing them a map of the farm.

"A map," Dean said as Sam took it from him.

"It's a big farm," Paul said.

"Of course it is," Dean said. "Come on Sammy let's go find this thing. I'm sure it won't be hard to miss," He said rolling his eyes.

"Be careful," Lexi said to both of them but only looking at Sam.

_She likes Sam,_ Dean thought shocked.

_No girl ever passed him up._

_Oh well. Guess Sammy needs a normal chick for once. Maybe she can help him stay on the right path._

Dean chuckled since Sam didn't even notice that Lexi was into him.

"What's so funny," Sam asked eyeing him.

"If you can't figure it out then I'm not telling," Dean said with a smirk as Lexi shot him a look.

Sam was still clueless.

Oooooooooooo

"I wonder how big this thing really is," Dean said as they walked. "Maybe it was a government experiment gone wrong. Like that wouldn't be the first time."

Sam sighed. "Dean we're supposed to be the hunters not the hunted," He said as they walked in one of the barns with a flashlight.

"The only way to draw it out is to make noise," Dean said. "Draw! We should have had Lexi draw a picture of it for us. She was the only one that got a good look at it."

"We're not as good as we used to be," Sam said seriously.

"Tell me about it," Dean muttered.

Just then they heard a rustling noise and both looked at each other.

Dean mouthed. One, two-

Dean shot at a pile of hay.

"Dean there was nothing in it," Sam said.

All of a sudden Dean was knocked across the barn.

"Sam!"

"Coming!"

Sam couldn't believe that what he was seeing was indeed a giant cockroach but not just a giant cockroach; A water cockroach. He watched as it fluttered it's big wings.

"Sam," Dean yelled trying to fight it off.

Sam grabbed the torch and aimed at it. The fire hit one of the giant wings causing it to let Dean go. Sam torched it again but it flew up in the air and crashed above the barn that sent debris falling on top of them…..

Oooooooooooo

Inside the house Paul and Lexi heard a loud crash ran to the back door and opened it.

"What was that," Lexi asked worried for Sam and Dean. "You don't think it got them?"

"No. Sam and Dean wouldn't let a thing like a giant cockroach kill them," Paul said trying to sound convincing.

Just then they saw Sam and Dean running towards them. Well Sam was running while Dean was limping on his left leg.

"You didn't get it did you," Paul asked as Dean limped past him to sit down.

"Yes that's why we ran really fast up to get in here," Dean said sarcastically tearing his jacket off and winced.

Sam was trying not to laugh. Sure he had a few cuts on his face and arms but he never thought he'd see the day that Dean would get his butt kicked by a giant cockroach.

"I hate that damn thing," Dean said taking a drink from his flask.

Lexi had gotten the first aid kit and was now looking at Dean's shoulder.

"Um, where exactly is the wound at," Lexi asked.

Dean took his shirt off revealing his muscles. He saw they way she was looking at him and winked at her. She quickly grabbed the first aid kit and walked behind Dean to patch the wound up.

"So you are you two going out again tonight," Paul asked hading Sam and Dean a beet.

"I think we're going to try again tomorrow night. Dean needs to recover," Sam said laughing.

"Shut it dude," Dean said giving him a killer look.

"There you go. All patched up," Lexi said putting the stuff pack in the first aid kit.

"Thanks," Dean said putting his shirt back on.

"Well since everything is okay I'm going to go to sleep,." Lexi said. "Got class in the morning," She said quickly going upstairs.

"Lexi's in college," Sam asked Paul.

"She's just taking a few classes. Isn't sure what she wants to be yet," Paul said.

"I've got to use the bathroom. Duty calls," Dean said going upstairs and found Lexi in her room. "Why'd you run off like that," He asked making her jump.

"I didn't run off and thanks for scaring the crap out of me," Lexi said.

"I saw the way you looked when I took my shirt off," He said with a smirk.

"I don't like you like that okay? Never have never will," She said.

"Right because it's Sam that you like," He said.

"I don't like-"

"A blind guy can sense that you do. I just think you can do better than Sammy," Dean said.

She gave a nervous laugh. "One Sam doesn't know that I like him and two Sam's always been more mature than you."

"Okay your right on both parts but I'm telling you as a friend that cares about you Sam hasn't been the same person from the last time you saw him. I don't want you to get hurt.'

Unknown to them Sam had been listening….

Oooooooooooooooooo

Dean went walked in and found Sam sitting at a chair waiting for him.

"You okay? You seem pissed or something," Dean said.

"I heard you talking to Lexi about me," Sam said.

"Sam, I just don't want her to get hurt. She's a sweet girl."

"That's a laugh coming from a guy that bangs anything that moves."

Dean started to get angry. "I may bang anything that moves that isn't a demon. You don't even like Lexi anyways."

"Don't you think that's my decision to make," Sam said turning off the lights. "I'm so glad you got your ass kicked by a giant cockroach," He said angry.

"Yeah well I hope it happens to you tomorrow night," Dean tossed back.

OOOOOOOOOOO

"What are you going to do," Anna asked Paul as they listened to Sam and Dean from the other side of the wall where there bed was.

"I'm not going to let the person that's Lucifer's vessel get anywhere near my littler sister," Paul said with his eyes turning black.

"Paul I don't think you have to worry. Sam hasn't even looked at Lexi that way since he's been here," She said.

"I'm tired off hearing your whiney voice," Paul said snapping at her.

Anna looked at him in shock. He never acted that way to her before.

"Paul," She said scared.

"Paul isn't in at the moment," He said putting a pillow over her face suffocating her.

"Ssh… Don't want the boys to hear," He said in a low voice.

A few seconds later she stopped struggling and he removed the pillow.

"That was easier than I thought," He said with an evil smile.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Lexi got up to first to take a shower since there were five people now instead of three. She locked the bathroom door and started the shower turning the hot water on first and started getting undressed as she waited for the hot water to actually turn hot and stepped in the steaming shower and put her head under the hot spray trying to forget what Dean looked liked without his shirt on. She always liked Sam but never said anything to him because Sam and Dean never stayed in one place to have a relationship and the last real one that Sam was in was when he was living with his girlfriend Jessica at before the demon had killed her. Then she heard about Madison but what happened to Madison wasn't her fault. She didn't ask to be turned into a werewolf. Other than that Lexi haven't heard of Sam being with another girl. Dean on the other hand couldn't stay with one for more than 24 hours. Lexi chuckled to herself surprised that Dean hadn't got any disease with the many women he's been with.

"Why are you chuckling," Dean's voice said in the bathroom.

Lexi screamed in shock. She hadn't heard anyone come in.

"What are you doing in here," She said shocked. "I know I locked that door!"

She heard the sink water running before Dean answered her.

"I picked the lock! I couldn't hold it anymore!" He said with a smirk that she couldn't see.

"Hold it anymore," She said not liking the sound of that before she smelled rotten onions. "Dean Winchester you're an ass," She said trying not to gag in the shower.

He shrugged which she couldn't see. "What else is new," with that he flushed the toilet turning the hot water cold and she screamed at the cold water. He started laughing.

"Dean Winchester your dead," She yelled.

"Have fun with the smell," He said closing the bathroom door laughing hard.

"Dude did you pick the lock," Sam asked disgusted in the hall.

"I couldn't hold it anymore Sammy. Don't worry I didn't see your girlfriend naked."

"She's not my-"

Dean said trying not to laugh. "I forgot how much fun we used to have here when we were kids. All the pranks we did on each other."

"_That_ I don't miss," Sam said seriously.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Two hours later after everyone showered and ate breakfast which Lexi cooked because Paul said Anna had to leave in the middle of a night for a family emergency Lexi couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Paul. Sure he still was still her brother but something seemed different about him. She kept feeling his gaze on her.

"Do you think you guys will get the damn thing tonight," Paul asked at the table.

"Hope so. How hard is it to kill a freaking cockroach," Dean said polishing the weapons that were laid out on the table.

"I'll see you guys tonight," Lexi said grabbing her book bag.

"Where are you going," Paul asked her.

"Class remember," She told him.

"Right," Paul said.

Her eyes went wide as she saw a tiny cockroach crawl on Paul's sleeve.

"Why are you looking at me like that," Paul asked.

"There's a cockroach on your sleeve," She pointed.

Sam and Dean looked at the thing crawling on Paul before Paul flung the thing on the ground and squashed it.

"That's gross," Sam said as its guts were splattered on the wood floor.

"At least it wasn't the killer one," Paul said.

"I'm going to be late," She said opening the back door.

"You need Sammy to drive you," Dean asked with a smirk earning a glare from both Sam and Lexi.

"Go on Sammy. I'm sure you two have a lot of catching up to do," Dean said.

"Give me the damn keys Dean," Sam said through his teeth.

Dean smiled and tossed him the keys.

"You kids behave yourself," Dean said with a smile as they walked out the door.

"Are you trying to fix my sister up with your brother," Paul asked in brother mode.

"Trust me Paul. Sam's the best guy there is for your sister. Would you rather it be me?"

"Good point," Paul said and sighed. "I can't wait for that damn cockroach to be dead so I can continue running the family farm."

"So what was the family emergency?'

"Her mom's ill."

"Sorry to hear that."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sam drove as Lexi sat in the passenger.

"So, Dean let's you drive the car? Never thought I'd live to see the day," She joked.

"No argument here," Sam said giving her his boy smile.

"Dean told you didn't he," Lexi said.

"What do you mean," Sam asked pretending he didn't know.

"He told you that I've had a crush on you," She said looking out the window to avoid looking at him.

"He may have said something," He said uncomfortable. "Guess you knew by the way he was acting. Sorry about that. Dean cares he just does it in his own way if that makes any sense."

"It's okay Sam. Besides I know you two never stay in one place long. Can we just forget about this?"

He stopped the car and looked at her. "Do you want to forget about this?"

"No. I know you haven't been the same since-," She didn't want to say Jessica's name Sam knew.

"It's true. I haven't been the same since Jessica's death. I just don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me."

"So what your supposed to live like a monk or something? It wasn't your fault it was the demon Sam."

"I haven't told Dean this but I part of me blames my mom for it," He admitted.

"Your mother," She said not getting it.

"She was a hunter before she met my dad. She was actually raised into it. To save my dad my mom made a deal with Azazel which was for him to visit me in my nursery," He finished looking a little lost.

"Sam, I'm sorry. Did John know about any of this?"

Sam shook his head. "He had no idea. My mom left the hunting life to be with my dad before the Azazel found her. After she died was when he started this life."

"You sound like you've been holding all this in for a long time," She said sorry for him.

"I can't tell Dean. He don't like having chick-flick moments as he calls them."

"Is there anything that I can do?"

"You did by listening. It actually helped me a little to talk about it," He said leaning over her.

"I've done some stuff that I'm not proud of," He said.

Before she could say anything she felt his lips on hers kissing.

Lexi smiled while kissing him back.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Author's Note: Hope you guys liked the humor in this chapter. **


	4. Chapter 4

Dean decided to check out the land during the day since Sammy was gone maybe getting lucky then Dean caught him self. Nah Sammy never gets lucky unless it's by a demon. He walked about a mile down from the house and saw a little shack. He got his flare gun out and walked to the shack and opened it and groaned. Anna was dead next to Paul.

"Damn it Paul," Dean said and examined them.

Paul looked like he had been dead longer than Anna who still had some color on her face.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you," He said to Anna angry that it happened right under his nose.

Just then he heard a twig snap and before he could turn around to see what it was he was knocked unconscious.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"So do we keep this to ourselves," Lexi asked after she got out of class as Sam picked her up.

"For now at least until the case is over. I don't think Paul would be too happy hearing it before the cockroach is killed," Sam said as he drove back to the farm.

"Tell me the truth. Is this case the weirdest one you've seen yet?"

"One of the weirder ones," He said nodding his head. "One time there was this shapeshifter that was reliving the old black and white monster movies taking their forms," Sam said with a smirk.

"Like Dracula and stuff," She said surprised.

"And stuff," Sam said.

"How many shapeshifters have you and Dean fought?"

"Three," Sam said. "But the last one we fought was the Dracula one."

"I'm surprised you or Dean don't become a horror novelist or something. Bet you would sell a lot of books nation wide while giving them some protection tips," She said with a soft smile.

Sam pulled up to the house and they got out.

"Maybe if we live to an old age which I doubt," He said as they walked up the steps.

"Where have you been," Dean asked.

"Picking Lexi up from school," Sam said.

Dean looked at Lexi then Sam and pulled him aside so only Sam could hear.

"I took a walk on the property when you were gone and found this old shack. Anna and Paul are dead."

Sam looked at him shocked. "How can they be dead?"

"The thing that was pretending to be Paul killed Anna some time last night. She still had color to her face."

Sam looked at Lexi for a second then looked back at Dean. "I thought we were dealing with a cockroach," Sam said.

"Maybe it's a shapeshifter cockroach," Dean suggested. "It can turn itself into any one it wants to kill."

"We're going to have to tell Lexi," Sam said. "She deserves to know that her brother is dead."

"Not yet. We can't protect her if she's hysterical," He said.

"What do we tell her?"

"That Paul went to check on Anna and her family."

"Let's go inside," Sam said.

"Everything okay," Lexi asked concerned as they entered the house.

Sam closed the door and saw Dean knocked unconscious tied to a chair in the kitchen.

"Lexi get out!" Sam yelled.

"What's going on," She asked scared.

"Sam what's happening," Lexi demanded.

Before he could answer the thing like Dean knocked him out.

"Dean," Lexi said shocked.

"No not Dean," It said transforming into her brother then a cockroach and then Dean.

She screamed in horror.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey Dean you okay," Sam asked tied to a chair behind him.

Dean groaned from the pain in his head. "We are so stupid. There's no such thing as giant cockroaches."

"That thing has Lexi," Sam said trying to get out of the ropes.

"What does it want with her," Dean asked thinking. "Think about it. It killed Anna, Paul,-"Us next. It wants to mate with her."

Dean had a disgusted look on his face. "That's just gross," He said struggling more.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lexi hands were bound to her bed posts. She was completely terrified. Now the thing looked like Sam which had it's back turned from her messing with some things on the dresser. She tried not to cry. Paul the only family that she had left was dead along with Anna and probably Sam and Dean. She wasn't going to cry in front of whatever that thing really was. If she'd cry then it'd know it's winning. Her father and Paul told her never to let the attacker see your weakness. They'll use it against you to kill you easier.

"Did Sam ever tell you that everyone around him dies," Fake Sam asked looking at her now.

"I think it's pathetic that a creature like you have to look like other people," She sneered. "What the matter? Can't stand to look at your real self in the mirror?"

The Fake Sam looked furious and walked up to her and punched her hard across the face.

She bit the inside of her cheek from crying out in pain even though she felt blood in her mouth.

"I like you better when you don't talk," He said right in her face. "I chose you Lexi."

"Chose me for what?"

"To carry my child," He said with a smile. "The Winchester's have killed three of my kind. We're slowly being killed one by one. Our race is running out. But then I saw you and I knew you'd be the perfect mother for my child," He said stroking her hair.

She spat blood in his face causing him to hit her again.

"Hey!" Dean yelled pointing a gun at it.

"You wouldn't kill your own brother would you," The fake Sam said.

"Guess you'll make four," Dean said pulling the trigger back on the gun shooting the thing in the heart. "I never get tired of killing those things," Dean said putting the gun in his jacket.

"Can I get untied now," She asked her face already swelling up.

Dean smirked taking out his pocket knife and slashed the ropes.

"Thank you," She said rubbing her wrists to get circulation in them. "Where's Sam?"

"He's downstairs. Thought it'd be safer if he stayed away in case they got switched or something."

"Good thinking," She looked at the dead shape shifter. "Dean can I see your gun?"

"It's dead," He said confused.

"I know but it's just something that I have to do."

He nodded and gave her his gun.

"I'll be downstairs," Dean said.

Lexi waited until Dean was gone and started shooting it over and over while crying mourning Paul until there were no bullets left.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"You think she's going to be okay," Dean asked the next day as they were putting their bags in the trunk.

"She's stronger than she looks Dean," Sam said.

"So we're just going to leave her here by herself?"

"She'd be safer away from us Dean. That shape shifter wasn't lying. People around us die. I'm not going to make the same mistake that I made with Jessica. I want Lexi to grow old."

"If the world doesn't end," Dean joked.

"If the world doesn't end," Sam said.

Lexi walked down the steps with her hair in a ponytail. The right side of her face was black and blue but she didn't wear any make up.

"You guys leaving," She asked holding a picnic basket in her hands.

"Thought It'd be safer for you if we left," Sam said.

She smiled. "Thank you.. Maybe now I can get the farm running again."

"You're going to run it by yourself," Dean said surprised.

"It' been in my family forever," She said giving Dean the picnic basket. "This is for you guys on the road."

Dean opened and squealed with joy at what he saw and looked at Sam excited.

"Dude there's M&M's and Apple Pie in here!" He said happy looking through it more. "Soda and chips," He closed the lid and turned to Lexi. "Lexi you are going to make a man very happy one day," He said giving her a quick kiss shocking her and Sam before going in the Impala.

Sam laughed. "He's like a little kid again."

"I also threw in some healthy snacks for you," She said.

"Call if you ever need help again."

"I'm going to pray that I don't have to," She said smiling at him.

Sam gave her one long last kiss before getting in the Impala and taking off.

**The End**


End file.
